i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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