I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
