I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
