She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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