Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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