i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is my gift to your gina
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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