WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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