brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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