but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
