Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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