my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This is classic penis vs brain.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
