every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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