I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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