i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
