I wish life had little blips of pornography
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
