Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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