my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
