You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
