Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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