i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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