I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
