just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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