New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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