she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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