After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
