he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
