I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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