I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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