Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
