i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Two words: blizzard sex
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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