I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
