I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A bitchslap is in order.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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