good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
