Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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