I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
