I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
