He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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