someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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