I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
