The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
