all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
