Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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