Apparently you make a good broom.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
