I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
