i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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