I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
