Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
