it hurts more in the daytime
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
