I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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