you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
