you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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